


If I Lay Here

by fauxtrots



Category: My Chemical Romance, ferard - Fandom, frerard - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-08 23:21:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/767273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauxtrots/pseuds/fauxtrots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Can you tie a noose, Frankie?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Lay Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is my baby. I wrote it a few years ago and I have never been able to write something this sad since.

Frank didn't want to do this, he didn't.  Who would?  Who in there right mind would want to give away the person they loved most, just let them do what they wanted despite the fact that everything would change.  Frank knew this was goodbye, the final moments that they'd spend together, and he didn't want for it to happen.  But sometimes when you love someone, you have to know when to let said someone go, and if this is what Gerard wanted, then Frank was in no position to argue.  He didn't think it'd come down to this, to the time when Gerard would leave him alone in the world to fend for himself.  Frank was worried, no question about it, but he wasn't just worried about being alone, he was more worried about Gerard.  What would happen?  Would he forget Frank, forget that they were ever lovers?  That he even existed?  Where would he go?  Heaven?  Hell?  Somewhere in between?  That's what had Frank nervous, just the whole uncertainty, the mystery of the situation, the fact that it couldn't be undone.  It was a one-time thing and that's what frightened Frank.  One time and it's all over, never to see his sweet boyfriend's face again.  Despite his uneasiness, he knew this was Gerard's final wish; he had his mind made up long ago, but couldn't face doing it alone.  He wanted someone there with him as he took his last breaths, someone to comfort him into this transition, so questionable and unknown.  And that's why Frank was there now, hand-in-hand with Gerard, lying in his bed.  Smoke from toxic cigarettes whirled around them, creating- what seemed to Frank- what Gerard would become: something so thin that he couldn't always see it, but that he could sense no matter the conditions.   
  
"Are you sure you want this?"  Frank stared at the ceiling, the smoke, as Gerard ran his thumb over Frank's.  Silence smoothed over them, comforting both boys to the point where both of their breathing had become even.  To Frank, this symbolized finality.  So much so, that he didn't even have to hear Gerard's reply to know that this was the end; Gerard's last day on earth.   
  
But despite Frank's knowledge, Gerard answered anyway, "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."  Frank deeply inhaled the toxins, closing his eyes at the confirmation.  It made everything feel more real: the room, the bed, Gerard, and that he would be there when Gerard stopped breathing.  He would see Gerard's eyes go blank as he left the earth, left _him_.  
  
Frank let out a huff, breathing becoming staggered once again.  "Are you scared?" he asked shyly, stubbing out his cigarette, feeling that if he sucked in any more of its poison he'd become all the more nauseous.    
  
"I'm not afraid of dying, Frankie," Gerard simply answered, causing Frank to wriggle his eyebrows in confusion.  How could he not be scared?  How could he just do something so final and not have any regrets?   
  
"What about me?" Frank's soft voice echoed through the silent room, trying to find a reason to make Gerard stay, but knowing in his heart that there was nothing he could do to stop him.  Gerard had always been stubborn; he always got what he wanted, and Frank wasn't about to change that now.   
  
"You'll see me again.  We'll be together again.  Death can't stop that."  Gerard sighed, "Nothing can."  Frank nodded, reassuring himself that he _will_ be with Gerard again, that this separation was only temporary.  "That's why you're here.  I need you now.  I need you to be the last thing I see, the last thing I feel, the last thing I'll ever love, because you are my everything and I need something to hold onto, something to take with me, if only a bittersweet memory."   
  
Frank's hazel eyes filled with wet tears as he gripped tighter onto Gerard's strong hand, a sign of comfort and unity, and soon to be teamwork.  "How do you want to do it?"  Frank realized that he didn't want to know the answer, he could find out when the time came.  A drop of moisture flowed from his eye, and Gerard reached his free hand over and lifted it to Frank's cheek, wiping the wetness and placing it on his thin, pink lips, memorizing the salty taste.   
  
"Can you tie a noose, Frankie?"  Frank cringed at the question, knowing he'd have to see Gerard's blue face and snapped neck, but he nodded anyway.  Gerard nodded too, in response, confirming his plans and Frank's ability.   
  
"How long, Gee?"  Frank dreaded knowing when, but it helped to know just how much longer Gerard would be with him.  Gerard reveled in the sound of Frank's helpless voice, trying to put it in the back of his head, where hopefully it would stay forever.   
  
"Soon," Gerard's quiet whisper sounded as the room fell silent again.  Frank squeezed his eyes shut hard and dropped his hand from Gerard's, instantly missing the touch, but feeling too weak to replace it.  Gerard rolled over on his side, nuzzling his face in Frank's neck, breathing down his shirt, which sent chills up Frank's spine.   
  
"Why, Gee?  Why do you have to do this?" Frank whispered, panic overtaking his body, stiffening it.  Gerard lightly kissed the smaller boy's collarbone and rolled over to return to the position on his back.   
  
He took a deep breath, taking in all the air he could before releasing it back into the room.  "Frankie," he quietly cooed, a comforting tone released from his voice.  "You know this is something I've wanted for a while now, at least a few years, and now that you're older I think you can handle it.  You're everything to me: my day, my night, my sun, and my breath," Gerard paused before continuing again.  "You're everything and the only thing.  No matter what, through everything, from life to death, from birth to old age, I'll always love you.  I'm never gone; you're never alone.  I'll always be with you, in your heart, watching over you and keeping you safe."   
  
"If I'm your everything, then why die?  Why make me feel like I'm not worth it?  Why does it seem like there's nothing I can do to make you happy?   _'I love you.'_   You say that, but those three words are said too much, they don't mean enough."  Frank took Gerard's hand again and interlocked their fingers, knowing soon that it will only be a memory, the last time he can feel Gerard.  He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Gerard, desperate for an answer.   
  
"Frankie, I know you don't understand.  It's complicated, but you need to trust me.  You need to know that what I'm doing is the right thing, whether it feels like it or not.  I need you to know that I _do_ love you, more than anything, and that's why this has to happen.  Some things need to remain a mystery, and this is one of those things, so just believe me, because I would never do this if I didn't think it was for the best.  I've done all I wanted to accomplish: to love the greatest man in the world."  Gerard turned over again, laying his pale hand on Frank's chest and gently stroking it.  He met Frank's gaze a moment later and whispered, "It's time."   
  
Frank nodded sadly, pain evident on his thin face, and it broke Gerard's heart to see him like that.  Frank dumbly stood at the foot of the bed, unable to move, as Gerard padded slowly to the closet, pulling out a yellow rope that would soon be the end of him.  Frank's throat dried shut as Gerard handed him the rough material, wanting him to tie the noose, and at that moment, Frank regretted joining Boy Scouts, as it taught him the ability to end Gerard's young life.   
  
His fingers worked numbly at the rope, twisting and knotting it in all the right places so that it was effective.  "Here," Frank mumbled, handing over the noose, but Gerard didn't take it.   
  
"I want you to put it on me," Gerard said calmly, waiting for Frank to wrap it around his neck.   
  
"I-I can't," Frank confessed, dropping the knot unceremoniously to the carpeted floor, and it fell limply into a disorganized pile of twisted material.   
  
"Yes you can."  Gerard reached for the rope, placing it back in Frank's shaky hands.  Frank's hand wrapped firmly around it, and Gerard put his own hands over Frank's, guiding the noose around his neck and yanking it tight.  Frank closed his eyes shut, unable to deal with seeing his beautiful boyfriend moments away from death.  He started trembling and he wrapped his arms around himself as a comforting gesture.  "Shhh," Gerard cooed, pulling Frank into a tight hug- their _last hug._   "I'm gonna miss you," he whispered into Frank's neck.   
  
Frank's eyes spilled over with warm tears as he ran his hands down Gerard's strong back, feeling all he could before Gerard pulled back.  Frank looked deep into his green eyes, noticing his utmost apologies.  "I'll miss you more."  Gerard leaned in, running his moist mouth over Frank's face, gathering his fallen tears and kissing them away.  His lips found Frank's and he pressed lightly against them in what would be their last kiss together.   
  
"I'll always love you," Gerard said, pulling away from the kiss.  Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard again, pulling the taller boy closer to him, taking in his intoxicating scent one last time.  They walked to the closet together, Gerard stepping on a small stool, and tied the rope to the dowel running the length of the closet.   
  
Frank let a few more salty drops leave his bloodshot eyes as he whispered softly, "I love you."   
  
Gerard gave a weak sideways smile as his smooth breath became uneven.  "Until we meet again."   
  
And with that promise, he quickly kicked the stool out from under his feet, and the harsh snap of his neck resounded though out the quiet room, causing Frank to shudder and close his eyes tight, all light being blocked out as darkness enveloped him.   
  
Minutes passed and a calm sensation moved over Frank, and he knew his Gerard was gone.  He walked into the shallow closet, now face-to-face with Gerard's limp hanging body, and he pressed his lips to Gerard's purple ones, desperate to fill him back up with life, but sighed in defeat, adding to his feeling of failure.  Frank backed away, distancing himself from the corpse.   
  
"Until we meet again," he muttered sorrowfully, turning off the closet light and shutting the door, knowing that Gerard was always with him in his heart, in the air surrounding him.  And at that very moment, he felt a cool wind run over him, and he knew it was Gerard saying his final goodbye.


End file.
